Thinking about
do i hate fun
Everyone I know started talking about k-pop demon hunters overnight and yes the songs are great but I did not care about anything else I'm sorry. None of the jokes landed and the plot hinged on ... I'm not even sure. Once again mad at a Netflix-hype-machine show but at least this one was a tight hour and a half and it didn't make me upset like Arcane it just didn't make me feel anything. Was it about the nature of fame?? The way popular culture can be a unifying force or used as a demonic tool to feed the void of insecurity? And I guess the resolution was via forgiving ourselves and each other for flaws to work together and do the things we know are right, to fight the voices that tell us we have to screw each other over and anyway that's fine because we're already the worst. Okay, sure actually. I take it back this movie was fine
DANDADANDANDADANDANDADAN
On the other hand DAN DA DAN. This is the best show coming out right now by far. The episodes with the sad backstories of the yokai are pieces of radically beautiful empathy. The storyboarding is insane, the character movements are distinctive and interesting. The humor consistently lands which is honestly crazy for a shonen anime?
it is after this point that i discover the theme of this essay
Surely Dan Da Dan will produce coherent thoughts but not yet. In the meantime
levin ceased thinking
WOW Anna Karenina!!! What a book! I invested seven months in it so hopefully I was going to get something out of it besides a smug satisfaction in the idea of having read some Literature but no really it's very very good! Most of my literary education was not in translation and that seems now like a real shame, although obviously it's not necessary to have read all Good Books in the formal structure of academia. And also I'm pretty sure I would've hated the ending ANY earlier in my life than the last few years. Levin's interiority was likeable and touching throughout but nowhere more so than his crisis of (non)faith at the end. I, too, have made a habit of implicitly or explicitly demanding that people (or books! or whatever!) tell me what the meaning of life is, being frustrated by their inability to express it to me directly, rationally, and in words, and then thinking WHY ISN'T ANYONE ELSE AS HAUNTED BY THIS AS ME. SURELY THIS IS THE ONLY IMPORTANT QUESTION.
And then Levin observes the happy and fulfilled are just going about the daily business of life, guided by inexpressible moral intuition, which he hesitates to call God. And he accepts this answer (The Answer) and thinks yes finally I will have no more problems personally or interpersonally, a sentiment which survives just until the very first minor inconvenience and other human being he faces. A deeper sense of peace, beneath the choppy surface waters of life, remains; the change he's been seeking for the whole book, finally sticks, though it is abstract, perhaps imperceptible. It's possibly a perfect book and I will think about it forever.
I shall go on in the same way, losing my temper with Ivan the coachman, falling into angry discussions, expressing my opinions tactlessly; there will be still the same wall between the holy of holies of my soul and other people, even my wife; I shall still go on scolding her for my own terror, and being remorseful for it; I shall still be as unable to understand with my reason why I pray, and I shall still go on praying; but my life now, my whole life apart from anything that can happen to me, every minute of it is no more meaningless, as it was before, but it has the positive meaning of goodness, which I have the power to put into it.
He goes into nature in contemplation. He finds the answer. Lightning strikes. Rin!
Levin ceased thinking, and only, as it were, listened to mysterious voices that seemed talking joyfully and earnestly within him. “Can this be faith?” he thought, afraid to believe in his happiness.
well enough. thank you.
In lieu of explaining the relation of the most recent Genshin quest I will quote it at length.
Paimon: And that's what you want, Mini Durin? To become human?
Mini Durin: I don't know if "want" is the right word... I don't even know if there's a right answer in a situation like this. B—But, I do know this — I have just as much of a right to this name. I don't want to lose to the other Durin.
Traveler: Becoming human... isn't as simple as just changing form.
Mini Durin: I know. Albedo talked to me about that. He said the Durin on Dragonspine is a lot more aggressive and primitive. Almost like... a beast. But, mom created me in a storybook. The pure parts of me can balance out the evil parts of him. If I'm honest, I don't know what that will look like — if I can still be "me" once I become one with that part of him. Maybe, without a complete soul, there was never really a "me" to begin with... Albedo said these kinds of questions are normal. We're all just trying to figure out who we are. But, I'm not afraid of change. I want my life to have meaning, and suppressing an evil dragon, becoming human... Both sound pretty meaningful to me.
Albedo: ...As things stand, I would say I belong to the class of "human." Albeit a unique category thereof — but then again, most forms of life in this world possess some unique traits. I am perhaps the most unique among humans, in that I'm the only one of my kind. But soon there will be another just like me, assuming this alchemical project proves successful. I believe Mini Durin already told you of his intent to replace the Durin of Dragonspine. After my conversation with him, he also expressed a strong interest in becoming human. It's a fascinating prospect, not to mention an extremely challenging one. But I understand why he came to that decision.
Traveler: Do you see this as an act of "creation"?
Albedo: Well... Understood in the broadest sense, this project deals with both the past and future, and stands to profoundly impact many lives. That, primarily, is what makes it worthwhile. Helping Mini Durin become who he wants to be is a secondary consideration, though still a meaningful one. By contrast, my personal motivations are nothing so grand and meaningful. I'm just pursuing something I believe in. In my view, to cultivate life which the world cannot generate endogenously is to cultivate the world itself. Whatever aids life in attaining a greater level of perfection improves the world by doing so. It is not a question of whether this "ought" to be done or not, merely whether I wish to. The alchemical enterprise is concerned with deciphering and comprehending all forms of knowledge — that is the path I walk. Of course, that's not to say that this is just a science experiment to me. Anything that affects Mondstadt, I approach first and foremost as a member of the Knights of Favonius. Does that answer your question satisfactorily?
Traveler: Well enough. Thank you.
Albedo: It really is rather remarkable, what we've accomplished.
Paimon: So, how do you feel right now?
Albedo: Quite good. I did what I set out to do, and achieved a personal goal. I think even she would have made a rare facial expression, had she seen it.
Paimon: "She"?
Albedo: My master and mother, "Gold" Rhinedottir. A long time ago, she sent me to Mondstadt, with the instruction to complete a task of monumental importance: to find the truth of the world. I had a theory about what she meant, and in time, I was able to corroborate it. Sure enough, "finding the truth of the world" basically stood for "getting a life." That might be easy for most people. But for someone like me, it meant doing a lot of learning about a lot of things. I had to find out about myself and the world around me. Get to know me, and get to know other people. "Life" is the space that exists between me and the world. To become truly human, I had to inhabit that space. So, for an artificial human, finding a life is, in some sense, equivalent to finding the truth of the world.
Paimon: So that's what she meant, huh? Well, no wonder those monsters wanted to infiltrate the city and replace you. They wanted your life for themselves!
Albedo: Being alive is just existing, but having a life is what makes you truly human. I think that's the message she wanted to get across to me. Still, I've found this whole series of events has given me new inspiration. Becoming human is only the beginning. What follows is the choices a human has to make in life, as well as the kinds of family bonds they will form. Most people would probably see the events of the last few days as something out of a nightmare. But for me, it's just part of my family life. I fear that the carefree existence my brother has enjoyed this far will now come to an end. Just like me, he will have to step into the world and face the same constraints as everyone else.
Paimon: You've got an unusual family, that's for sure...
Albedo: Well, I suppose we get it from our mother. She's highly unusual. There are all kinds of families in the world. Some base their life around the family store, others around the farm. In my family, I suppose we tend to the flower beds. And now, I'm a gardener too.
What a wonderful and fascinating piece of character development from the simplistic ideals of Albedo the scientist, seemingly interested only in investigating the (scientific) "truth of this world," cloistered on his mountain alone... or nearly so. The ice-king mad alchemist picture was immediately complicated by his interreliance on the other citizens of Mondstadt, by his familial relationship with Klee, his friendships with Jean and Kaeya, his mentorship of Sucrose. And it turns out this is the truth of this world, his great undertaking. "Getting a life," meaning nothing more nor less than learning to live with himself and with others.
I think this is a lovely piece of science-fantasy, treating an important yet obvious question with nuance and playfulness and imagination. (And, appropriately for a good piece of fiction but unfortunate for me and this essay, the idea is truly best expressed by the experience of the narrative itself! Me explaining this feels so much thinner than the feeling of truth I had in experiencing it directly.) The game has spent a lot of time with non-humans and semi-humans and ex-humans and newly-sort-of-living-as-humans and apparent-humans-with-unremarked-cat-ears, all of which invites the question, outside of the literal taxonomy of species which is in this world so evidently malleable, what does it mean to be human anyway? and can one become human? I think other characters have other answers, and this too is a lovely part of this fiction.
the interregnum
Another long quote. This one gets bonus points for being about Trans Things. From —:
Naive readings of Zen, and even naive practitioners ... get so excited by the concept of emptiness that they forget form is emptiness, and emptiness is form. The mark of this naivety is saying things like, why would one need to change one’s external form (eg via transition, or getting a phd, or a boob job, or a million dollars, or whatever) in order to reflect inner sentiment? Aren’t these impulses the pure fault of the ego? Being stuck in the popular conceptions of zen, where it is conceived that one can and should permanently kill or at least substantially reduce the ego, is surprisingly common well up the chain.
Practice is not about, and never can, diminish the ego. It changes your perspective. You see how the ego works, you see how it attaches to the body, you see how the body sometimes has its own ideas. This makes you more full in understanding. It adds. It never subtracts. ... Why transition? — Why eat? Why shit? Why be born the first time? Is every day a good day? When you know the answer to all these questions, then you understand being trans.
... It is in the body that everything happens. In birth, as in transition, as in sex, as in death, it is the body that constitutes the site of this complete devastation — everything is made, remade and unmade with-and-in it. The body’s main function and purpose is not to be beautiful, or desired, or to produce anything, or to perform, it is to contain the centre of destruction, to house, in some way, inside itself, the real; to be alive. When Butler describes gender as performative, the meaning intended by the word is more like enacted.
drag(ons)
begin scene
A HOPEFUL VOICE: I don't know if "want" is the right word... I don't even know if there's a right answer in a situation like this. B—But, I do know this — I have just as much of a right to this name.
A DOUBTFUL VOICE: Becoming a man isn't as simple as just changing form.
A HOPEFUL VOICE: I know. My brother talked to me about that. He said men are a lot more aggressive and primitive. Almost like... beasts. But, the pure parts of me can balance out the evil parts of him. If I'm honest, I don't know what that will look like — if I can still be "me" once I become one with... him. Maybe, there was never really a "me" to begin with... My brother said these kinds of questions are normal. We're all just trying to figure out who we are.
A DOUBTFUL VOICE: Why transition? Aren't these impulses the pure fault of the ego?
A HOPEFUL VOICE: It is in the body that everything happens. It is the body that constitutes the site of this complete devastation — everything is made, remade and unmade with-and-in it.
I'm not afraid of change. I want my life to have meaning, and suppressing evil, becoming a man... Both sound pretty meaningful to me.
A DOUBTFUL VOICE: Do you see this as an act of "creation"?
A HOPEFUL VOICE: My personal motivations are nothing so grand and meaningful. I'm just pursuing something I believe in. In my view, to cultivate life which the world cannot generate endogenously is to cultivate the world itself.
The body’s main function and purpose is not to be beautiful, or desired, or to produce anything, or to perform, it is to contain the centre of destruction, to house, in some way, inside itself, the real; to be alive.
Whatever aids life in attaining a greater level of perfection improves the world by doing so. It is not a question of whether this "ought" to be done or not, merely whether I wish to.
It really is rather remarkable, what we've accomplished.
A DOUBTFUL VOICE: So, how do you feel right now?
A HOPEFUL VOICE: Quite good. I did what I set out to do, and achieved a personal goal. I think even she would have made a rare facial expression, had she seen it.
A DOUBTFUL VOICE: "She"?
A HOPEFUL VOICE: I had to find out about myself and the world around me. Get to know me, and get to know other people. "Life" is the space that exists between me and the world. To become truly human, I had to inhabit that space. Being alive is just existing, but having a life is what makes you truly human. I think that's the message she wanted to get across to me.
Still, I've found this whole series of events has given me new inspiration. Becoming human is only the beginning. What follows is the choices a human has to make in life. I will have to step into the world and face the same constraints as everyone else.
I shall go on in the same way, losing my temper, falling into angry discussions, expressing my opinions tactlessly; there will be still the same wall between the holy of holies of my soul and other people; I shall still go on scolding others for my own terror, and being remorseful for it; I shall still be as unable to understand with my reason why I pray, and I shall still go on praying; but my life now, my whole life apart from anything that can happen to me, every minute of it is no more meaningless, as it was before, but it has the positive meaning of goodness, which I have the power to put into it.
Does that answer your question satisfactorily?
A DOUBTFUL VOICE: Well enough. Thank you.
end scene
